This has nothing to do with books or writing, but I had to share. Everyone should try this once. Seriously.

I'm sending my boy-child off to sleep away summer camp for a week. Normally my girl-child and I go camping with him, so this will be the first time he's going it alone. He's thrilled. I'm still trying to understand why he doesn't want his mom to be with him 24/7. He probably just needs to get away from his little sis for awhile and is actually really sad about leaving me. He just hides it well.

One thing we discovered last year that is pretty much the coolest thing I've ever seen is what happens when you chew Wint-O-Green Life Savers in complete darkness.

They spark! In your mouth!!!

Seriously, you have to try it. It is mind-blowing. Make sure you buy the filled-with-sugar kind and don't get spearmint. In as close as you can get to complete black, crunch the Life Savers with your mouth open. Don't worry: it's dark, so no one will be grossed out by your horrible manners. But they will be totally impressed by the magic in your mouth.

This year we decided to look up the science behind it, but there's something to be said about just enjoying the magic. Your choice about the magic/science, but you HAVE to try the trick.

http://discoverykids.com/activities/light-up-lifesavers/

I close my mouth and yell into the phone, “You want how much? For a bounce house? For two hours?”

As an ex-boyfriend of mine used to say at a restaurant, looking at the bill: “I just wanted to eat, I didn't want to buy the place!”

At our house, along with spring comes birthday parties. One at the end of March and the other just a week and a half later. It was bad planning on my part – I should have told their dad I had a headache. I mean, my son was only a year and 9 months old! What was I thinking? Saying “I'm not in the mood” for another 3 or 4 months then would have saved me a lot of frustration now.

So, now that the kids and I live on one income (that doesn't quite pay the bills), birthday parties have become a big issue. Throwing two parties in three weeks makes it that much harder. But, where there is a will, there is a way. The kids have the will, so I have to find a way. Cheaply.

Trick #1: Think of free games
Cost: Whatever paper, a bit of computer ink, and creativity are going for nowadays

“We are going to play games at your parties!” I tell them with as much excitement as I can muster.
My son looks up. “Oh, cool.”
Normally “oh cool” would be a nice reaction, but I know my child too well – he misunderstood me.
“Not video games. Regular games.”
Blank faces.
“Like pin the tail on the donkey!”
“Pin the what on the what?” they say, more or less in unison.
“Pin the tail on the donkey.”
“Hey, Zoe. Did you know another word for donkey is -”
“Okay!” I shout. “No time for vocabulary lessons. We need to plan.”

Trick #2: Activities
Cost: By using items you already have, activities can be free.

I hope all the little girls want to have their faces painted like Spiderman. Red is the only color lipstick I have left. I think I have an old black eyeliner around here somewhere too.

We made a pinata using an unused balloon found in the corner of my son's room, a newspaper stolen from a neighbor's recycling bin and old, green house paint. We call the creation: A Springtime Egg Pinata. I thought that was clever. As long as it's filled with leftover goodies from the other birthday parties we've attended, the kids won't care how it looks.

Trick #3: Decorations & Food
Cost: Time, some gas, and a few “thank you”s

We'll be visiting every Publix Supermarket from here to Orlando the day before the party. Did you know they give out balloons AND cookies to the kids? I'm figuring one cookie per kid, so we really only need to hit the closest 10 stores. That's not bad.

I found out last year that, for the life of me, I cannot decorate a cake. What started out as a ambitious design of Dora's head turned into a lopsided, black-and-pink-smeared pile of yuck. Not even the kids ate it. So, this year I'm making the kids do the hard part – they'll each get a cupcake to decorate however they see fit. I provide the frosting and sprinkles, they provide the artistic talent.

Trick #4: Goodie bags
Cost: If you do it my way, it's free!

Just don't do it. They got the random crap from the pinata, what else do they want?! Those goodie bags can be expensive! Cute little plastic bags and matching useless toys that will be their parent's worst nightmare 10 minutes after they get home are not necessities. Plus, all that plastic is terrible for the environment. So, in effect, by not giving them anything, I am really saving their lives.

Trick #5: Happy kids
Cost: Priceless

They are kids – put them together, give them something to do, and they are happy. Their parties are about them, not the stuff we surround them with. They will have a wonderful day and remember it for approximately one week – the same amount of time they would recall the expensive bounce house, visit to Chuck E. Cheese, or the guy dressed up like a Power Ranger making balloon animals. By the way, you can buy a “make your own balloon animal kit” at the Dollar Store for, you guessed it, a dollar. It even comes with directions. So what if all the kids get swords – you've just created another game!

The kids are happy and Mom is happy. Primarily because she didn't go into debt over a five-year-old's birthday party. She can breathe a sigh of relief knowing the debt won't come for 15 more years. My next article will be “How To Throw A Wedding For Less Than $500”.

What is your favorite word? Not the word you use most frequently — the word that makes you smile when you say it. My son's favorite word is “glossary”. He didn't know what it meant, but liked the way it sounded when he said it. That's what I mean — the kind of word that feels good in your mouth and tickles your tongue. A good word has a trill to it like music. Hey, that's a nice one – “trill”.

I love words; not a big surprise from someone who dreams of one day making a living with them. But with writing, the words are spelled, not spoken – it's not the same. I have to imagine the words on the page being said aloud, or at least wait until I'm alone in the house so my family won't think I've lost it. The other downside to writing is that I don't seem to be able to use most of my favorite words in my work: “existential”, “sanctimonious”, “reciprocity”. Although I did actually manage to squeeze “carnivorous” into a story recently.

Others I can't even fit into conversation, at least not the sort of conversations I have. “Perpetuate” is hard to slip into a chat about play-dates, isn't it? If only I knew a “philanthropist” to refer to or even knew what “pedagogy” meant. And who could I possibly describe as “nubile” without being laughed at? Unfortunately, as this point in my life, I have no need to use the word “aphrodisiac”.

Of course, every once in a while, there is a “calamity” in my life, or an “ignoramus”. I did have to “eradicate” the ants from my kitchen a few weeks ago. Yesterday I told the clerk at Best Buy that something was “prohibitively” expensive. He didn't smile when I said it, but I did. Oh, and on Friday, my boss went “ballistic” when I asked him if I could have a few days off around Christmas.

My daughter told me that her favorite word is “kitty”. I asked her why, but she just shrugged. Then my son leaned over and whispered to me, “I thought she was going to say ‘makeup'”. So did I.

What's your favorite? You don't have to tell me, but I'm betting that the next time you say it, you'll think of me … or not.

Monday, Monday, Oh I love my Monday
Monday, Monday, Oh I love my MONDAY!
At the final Monday, she yells the word and throws her arms up into the air

Tuesday, Tuesday, Oh I love my Tuesday
Tuesday, Tuesday, Oh I love my TUESDAY!
Same thing here

Wednesday, Wednesday, Oh I love my Wednesday
Wednesday, Wednesday, Oh I love my WEDNESDAY!
Ditto

Thursday, Thursday, Oh I love my Thursday
Thursday, Thursday, Oh I love my THURSDAY!
You guessed it

Friday, Friday, Oh-
She stops singing, a puzzled look on her face.

Wait, erase that … cause we don't usually sing it on Fridays.
This is where I start laughing.

Let me start over.
Right here I'm trying not to visibly cringe

But just from Thursday.
Sigh of relief

Thursday, Thursday, Oh I love my Thursday…

You can't make this stuff up.

The kids and I were watching Mary Poppins today. Them for the first time, and me for the 8 billionth time. Remember it? It's a great movie about a totally disfunctional family who knows how to sing and the nanny who comes to save them all.

I mean, really, the two kids are angels compared to kids today (my own not included – they really are angels) but both have massive inferiority complexes. The mother is a closet feminist – dancing through the streets for the right to vote during the day then gliding smoothly into the role of doormat as soon as her husband comes home. And the father, well, he's what we would now call “a prick”. I can't see Julie Andrews saying that at all though.

But in the end, he turns around and realizes that he would rather be flying a kite with his kids than working. That was the part that got me – he'd rather be flying a kite. Okay. Makes sense. Then he tells his boss off and dances away with his family.

That was when I realized how fantastic life would be if we all came to that conclusion. Every one of us could dance out of our places of employment to go fly kites. The telling your boss off part could be up to the individual – I happen to like my boss, so would skip that part.

Then I came to my second realization – not many of us know how to fly kites. And not many of us would want to fly a kite. Hmm, too bad – he looked so happy.